Isn't it.

CASE #103: HOTGIRL+ P-TOWN COP

SUBMITTED BY: Hotgirl
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 2 monthS
WHO ENDED IT: P-Town Cop
INFO:P-Town cop and I started dating in Febuary of '09. He responded to an ad I had on craigslist looking for a roommate because he thought my pictures were cute. He had just seperated from his wife, and was thouroughly damaged. I figured I had a lot of work cut out for me. The letter I sent him after the breakup will explaine the rest.

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Dear P-Town Cop-

I'm not quite sure where to start this letter, and how to cover everything I want to say. First and foremost I want to tell you that your a douchbag, although I will elaborate on WHY your a douchbag a little bit farther along in this letter.

It started the begininning of Febuary that one faithfull afternoon. I was painting my new house which just happened to be blocks from yours. You responded to my roommate ad on craigslist. Your wife had just dumped you, I was single, hell why not? So you swing by to say hi to me on your way home from work. Your kinda cute.....ish. I mean your a cop so that gives you extra cute points, but your not that cute so I take solace in the fact that I'm waaaaay out of your league. Turns out your really REALLY funny so I decide to hang out with you again, even if its just as friends. The next night you invite me over to watch movies. So, I accept, need the break from painting anyway. Twenty miniuts after I get there you burst into tears and while I'm 'there thering' you, you, all teary and snotty, try to kiss me. Ew. I should have ran. I should have ran RIGHT THEN.....but I didn't. I saw you as a little broken birdy that needed help.

For the first two weeks I tried to convince you we should just be friends, but then I give in. We finally have sex, which isn't half bad. Until you start to cry afterword (Quick note, anyone that knows me knows I HATE IT when people cry). Little did I realize, at that point, I was only there to teach you. You, at 29, had no idea what bills you had, what credit cards were in your name, anything about your bank accounts or your money. Everytime I warned you that your soon to be ex wife was about to do something shady and you would tell me, "No, she wouldn't do that", she did. Finally, after about a month, you started to listen to me. I helped you find a roommate. I found out what bills you had and taught you how to pay them. I found you a great deal on a new car (after your truck died and I spent two weeks being your taxi). I helped you write your seperation agreement, and negotiate a fair deal between you and your ex. I fucked your brains out.

I asked you one day, because things were starting to get a bit serious, if I was just your rebound (which I knew, of course, I was), and you said NO, of course not, you loved me duh. And then you fucked your soon to be ex wife one afternoon. How could I really be mad? I got over it. After a month and a half of your horrific mood swings, trying to put a bullett in your head, etc, FINALLY you pull your shit together, and low and behold, under all the emotional trauma, your pretty awesome. I fall in love with you. Two days before we've been dating two months, we go to Home Depo together to get some stuff for my house. Laughing and Joking, we finish shopping and head back to my house to hang curtian rods. Then you break up with me. You tell me your "not ready for a relationship". My reaction borders along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me?" and "What the fuck?".

I'm sure you want to know why I'm writing you this letter a month later. I went through the hurt stage, I went throught the bitter stage, and the angry stage, and I'm at the "my new boyfriends way hotter than you" stage, but I just found out something that kinda got to me, and I figured you at least owed me an answer. You said we could be friends after we broke up, and I was down with that, shit we even kept fucking for a little bit. I kinda stopped hanging out with you after I realized you were talkin to like three girls, just because it was weird, but what I don't understand is WHY you had the AUDICATY to flip out on me about a facebook status.

MY LIFE does NOT REVOLVE around YOU my dear. I have thought about you a handful of times in the last week, but your current fuckbox and you are not even worthy of that kind of attention. Just because I was at the bar with Sunny and we were joking on the fat girls on the dance floor does not mean that I'm talking about your new girlfriend. But for the record, sense you want to accuse me of talking shit about her, this is what I really think!

I think it's BULLSHIT about you "not being ready to be in a relationship", yet you have a new girlfriend two weeks later.

I think it's BULLSHIT that you lead me on for two months and dumped me out of the blue.

I think it's BULLSHIT that you completly used me.

But even worse, I think it's BULLSHIT that I let you.

As far as your new girlfriend goes, yes I saw the picture and YES she looks like a fat version of the little mermaide. No, my facebook status about the readheaded "Shamu" was not about her but now that you mention it the resemblance is striking! And furthermore her teeth look like she has been chewing on rocks. Oh, and the whole part about her telling you we couldnt be friends because I'm your ex, and she's uncomftorable? You've been fuckin her for a WEEK dude. A week. She's a dumb whore, and your a little bitch for listening to her. She's uncomftorable because I'm 75 pounds lighter than her with perfectly straight teeth, make 80K a year and am a semi-pro athlete. I heard fat girls suck a good dick because they are always hungry?

Anyway, this is to tell you to STOP. Stop texting me when she's not around. Stop telling me you miss me. Stop putting off giving me my stuff back so you can have an excuse to talk to me. Stop facebook stalking me. I'm seeing someone, and he dosen't appreciate your strange facination with me, so quit. Plus, he has 75 pounds on you, but it's of muscle, so I really wouldn't piss him off. So soyanara P-Town cop. I hope you enjoy the life I helped you put together.

Hotgirl

CASE #102: EMILY + OLIVER

SUBMITTED BY: Emily
LENGTH OF RELATIONSHIP: 7 months (with a break up in there)
ENDED BY: Oliver
INFO: The year was 2000. The dawn of a new millennium. My future looked bright, as I was closing in on my 17th year. And then, I stupidly started to like this guy. We'll call him Oliver.

We met in grade 10. He instantly had a crush on me for some reason, of which I'm not sure, and annoyed the crap out of me. The standard way to show a girl you like them. I couldn't stand him at first, mainly because he was so "in your face." My best friend at the time had a huge crush on him, which made no sense to me, since he was constantly talking to her about me. She eventually lost interest. Anyways, he must have worn me down after about a year and finally I broke down and started to like him back. Probably out of pity.

I had been turning him down ever since I met him, telling him that I wanted just to be friends and that was it. After about a year of this, he seemed to cool it with me. So when I finally realized I liked him, I wasn't sure if his feelings were the same. So, being the chicken that I was, I sent him an email.

Keep in mind that we were 16, so not only will the conversation be ridiculous, the whole situation is much more dramatic and emotional than need be.

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FROM: EMILY
TO: OLIVER

Hey Oliver,

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think I'm starting to have feelings for you. I know you've probably moved on by now, and that's cool. Just wanted to let you know what I was thinking. Anyways, see you at school tomorrow.

Emily

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FROM: OLIVER
TO: EMILY

Oh my God, are you serious? Of course I haven't moved on! I can't wait to see you tomorrow...

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So the first few months of the relationship were great. He was a sweetheart. Then came 3 months into the relationship. I thought things were going well and then I get this email.

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FROM: OLIVER
TO: EMILY

Emily,

I've been doing something thinking these last few weeks. Things just don't seem to be going well. I can't explain it. I want things to be the way they used to be. When I worshipped you and you were this goddess up on a pedastal that I couldn't get to. I can't go on with things the way they are.

I've been going through a lot lately. I don't have the time to put in for this relationship. I feel like my life is this vicious cycle of constant routine and I'm stuck on this never ending treadmill. Every day is the same thing. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't help that you constantly want to hang out and do stuff and get upset when I don't. I just need my own space.

So, I think we need a break. And don't think I'm being a pussy by doing this over email. Keep in mind that you first told me you liked me over email.

Love always,
Oliver

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I was completely taken aback. Not only was this guy breaking up with me (from what honestly felt like out of nowhere) over email, but he was telling me that it was acceptable for him to break up with me in this horrible, impersonal way because I had mentioned that I liked him in an email? Nice. What was funny was that he just assumed I got it the next day at school. He didn't talk to me or say, "hey, did you get my email?" or anything. Good thing I got it, or that could have been awkward.

So he not only broke up with me through email, but he also did it because now I was "achievable." Haha. I guess some people really only want what they can't get, and as soon as they get it...see ya...

Anyways, it made me laugh, and I saved it for years. Of course at the time it was devestating, but teenagers are always so dramatic.

But, of course, that wasn't the end of our story. After about a few weeks of being broken up and not talking, Oliver realized he had made a mistake. So then came this gem of an email.

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TO: EMILY
FROM: OLIVER

Emily,

I've made a huge mistake. I can't go to school and see you and not want to be with you. I thought what I was doing was for the best, but I realized that I can't see myself without you. I miss holding your hand. I miss whispering in your ear. I miss kissing you. I miss sitting on the couch and just watching a movie with you. I wish things could just go back to the way they were.

I still love you.

Oliver

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TO: OLIVER
FROM: EMILY

Oliver,

I'm not about to put myself back into a position where you can treat me the way you treated me. I can't be ignored again. If I'm crying, it's for a reason! You made me feel like an idiot because I would get upset over something you did. All of my friends hate you because of the way you treated me.

I don't get you. I mean, one day you treat me like a princess, the next you're a complete asshole to me? Why the sudden change? And don't give me this bullshit about you liked it better when you "worshipped me" because that's just ridiculous.

I can't be with someone who isn't going to be there for me. Of course I still have feelings for you, but I'm not about to repeat history.

Emily

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He and I started talking again, and decided to go back to being friends. In the mean time, I had started sort of dating this other guy, we'll call him Jerry. Oliver and I were still friends and we'd hang out all the time.

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TO: EMILY
FROM: OLIVER

Emily,

I know you're with Jerry now, and I accept that. He's a really nice guy, and a lucky one at that.

But it hurts me to be with you knowing I can't have you. When you were over here last night, there were so many times that I just wanted to kiss you. I know you felt it too. I saw the way you looked at me. Can you honestly say you didn't want to kiss me too?

Love,
Oliver

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TO: OLIVER
FROM: EMILY

Oliver,

I did feel something, yes. I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't do that to Jerry. He and I are over though. We talked tonight and decided we are better off friends.

But I don't know if we should be together again. I don't want to go through the same thing I did before. Can you promise me it won't be like last time?

Love,
Emily

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And of course, the next day at school, he promised me it wouldn't be the same. We started dating again and right around the 3 month mark, while we were on summer vacation, I get another email. I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks, since he was always too busy to hang out with me.

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TO: EMILY
FROM: OLIVER

Emily,

It's the same as before. You are just so irrational. I hate seeing you cry, but you're always crying. No matter what I do, it never seems good enough. I mean, I treated you like a goddess! I worshipped you! That was never enough! I bought you presents, took you to the movies, and was nothing but a good boyfriend to you. I don't want to keep trying and failing. I'm sick of you being so emotional all the time. I can't do this any more.

Oliver

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FROM: EMILY
TO: OLIVER

Oliver,

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, you were sweet, yeah you treated me like a goddess, but that was MONTHS ago! The last while you've been ignoring me, making me feel awful, and making me cry constantly.

But that's fine. I am done with all of this. I'm done with being ignored. I'm done with pretending you're the same guy who used to be my best friend. Because you're not. You're a completely different person now. You've turned into this huge asshole. And I'm not going to be with an asshole.

Emily

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And so ended the Oliver/Emily dating saga. I went on vacation for a couple weeks with a friend of mine and her family. When I came back, I started hanging out with a new guy (who is actually now my husband!). Oliver and I started talking again once school started back up again. Apparently he had sent me another email while I was away, which I never received. He claimed that it would have "won me over" and I would have started dating him again. I laughed at him and told him I wouldn't have dared go through that again.

We're friends now. We've both matured since our awkward teenage years and gotten over all that angst. We often laugh about how stupid and dramatic we were, all those years ago. My friends still hate him.

But this is why teenagers shouldn't be allowed to date! They make everything so much more dramatic than it needs to be!